Rafa, the wanderer

.....this has been the most confusing year ever...


like, up until now, i have always thought i had time. i had time to really think about my career, to really prepare myself for my future.

but now, its getting too real, too close. like, i have to choose what i want to do with the rest of my life by YESTERDAY, i have to apply to every school possible and see what is required for me to enter.

its like, i was just fine a few months ago. i wasn't perfect, but i was better.
suddenly i cant stop worrying

i cant stop freaking out about everything

i cant stop dwelling on sad stuff

ultimately, i cant stop.

at least there used to be huge time gaps between the times i have freaked out like this. but now this is a constant day-to-day battle.

who is this person and where did he come from?


i need to see my spiritual shrink, or whatever you call it. i need some sort of guidance


-rafa

Things i did when i couldnt sleep this winter break

1) Play Kingdom Hearts. and take pics :P

my favorite is the "sUpreme Darkness" one. altho Kairi's eyes aren't that bad either

2) Money jars!!!




i am attempting to save money.


i used the hot glue gun to make swirls, then i painted it yellow, then i painted it again with two coats of gold paint, cheapo wall mart paint. the yellow base coat gives the gold a yellower tone, because the gold paint it like too thin.

it looks liek a honey jar from winnie the pooh. maybe i've been playing too much kingdom hearts :D

(ignore my foot in the corner of the picture)


I might as well talk about my goals. lets see:

i kept my room clean.

i worked out. not exactly everyday, but amazingly constant.

played kingdom hearts :P and actually won the game

i sorta made art and crafted. sorta. because i threw out or painted over most of what i did. but at least i could experiment

and i didn't paint my room

but overall

SUCCESS

-rafa

♥

i need to freaking finish that story for her.
-rafa

meditation with my wand *or chopstick* D:

omg. i just meditated with a wand like object (a fancy wooden chopstick that was laying around in my room). usually i don't even do breathing exercises i just meditate toward God and stuff. but using a wand is much easier! i can concentrate on that little wooden thing rather than closing my eyes and thinking about alot of things. this time i'm making a REAL wand, one for my meditations. no jokey wand that breaks if it falls to the ground, i want the real thing.

and i definitely want to explore Wicca, and other religions

-rafa

Haha this post goes from fun winter break goals to serious teacher situation

ok so last summer i did some sort of goal list

even tho there's like only 2 weeks left of winter vacation, my goals are :

!)keep my room clean, because it will obviously get messy again during school, so i better keep it clean while i can

@) work out. everyday. its not like I'm fat or anything i just want to be healthy and not be a potato.

#)play kingdom hearts :P my PlayStation got broken so I'm going to ask my cousins for theirs. but i will play...damn it

4)make art and craft :D even tho crafting does sound lame I'm getting into these harry potter crafts :P making WANDS how cool is that?

5) Paint my room! it needs a new color. im thinking white :P and also giving it soem sort of a makeover

6) oh and reflect on weather or not i should leave my school. during the end of this semester i was reallyyy un-motivated and i wasn't even studying. the question just came to me (" why am i here???") and i was, and still am, wanting a fresh start.

speaking of the schools, once, this pathetic looking teacher said to me "did you forget to take your Ritalin today Rafa?". i didn't say anything insulting back, because i already felt really sorry for him. you know, the type of hatred for a person that you almost feel sorry for that person.

when he said that, i got really mad, but at the same time i was like "this situation only makes him look like a douche bag, it doesn't damage me. my self esteem is unharmed". i mean, he had no backbone as a teacher, and its really sad that a teacher needed to go to that level to attempt to have some power over one of his students, though he failed miserably. i just thought "if that comment towards me made his life less pathetic, or if it made his penis seem less small, then good for him."

but don't get me wrong, i immediately told my mom about this. she was ready to sue.

-rafa

one of my resolutions(like a sorta/less-importance resolution) this year is to use this blog again.at least I'm gonna try to use it with some consistency

what can i say? life happens and i had things to deal with

but I'm just gonna try...damn it.


sorry for the headache-y colors i put in here btw. i was aiming for fresh start colors
but failed


its 2 am at my place
im restless

and bored.




rafa

OK so im gonna talk about hair for the drawings. for the ning class. some peole have trouble with hair. thought id help out


EXAMPLES:





DRAWING OF MRS. LOVETT