Bread

Right when I was picked up from school, there was this discussion I didn't get to analyze because I was sorta napping, sorta not. All I heard was yelling

I had three pounds of this really good bread in the car. I was eating tiny pieces of bread because I was hungry

The discussion stopped when we got home. I was still in the car while everyone was outside. As I went to take another piece of bread, a cockroach crawled out the bread bag and just kept on walking.

I still ate the piece


but anyway, cockroaches to me represent the tiny problems that are part of something much bigger.

I'm not saying i only see them after a discussion, because that's not true. But I'm just saying that I don't remember a discussion that didn't involve me seeing a cockroach at some point

whenever I see one, I just do what I always do: ignore it.

if I kill it, there will be more anyway

unless we resolve the problem...

we fumigate, i mean.

-rafa

Rafa, the wanderer

.....this has been the most confusing year ever...


like, up until now, i have always thought i had time. i had time to really think about my career, to really prepare myself for my future.

but now, its getting too real, too close. like, i have to choose what i want to do with the rest of my life by YESTERDAY, i have to apply to every school possible and see what is required for me to enter.

its like, i was just fine a few months ago. i wasn't perfect, but i was better.
suddenly i cant stop worrying

i cant stop freaking out about everything

i cant stop dwelling on sad stuff

ultimately, i cant stop.

at least there used to be huge time gaps between the times i have freaked out like this. but now this is a constant day-to-day battle.

who is this person and where did he come from?


i need to see my spiritual shrink, or whatever you call it. i need some sort of guidance


-rafa

Things i did when i couldnt sleep this winter break

1) Play Kingdom Hearts. and take pics :P

my favorite is the "sUpreme Darkness" one. altho Kairi's eyes aren't that bad either

2) Money jars!!!




i am attempting to save money.


i used the hot glue gun to make swirls, then i painted it yellow, then i painted it again with two coats of gold paint, cheapo wall mart paint. the yellow base coat gives the gold a yellower tone, because the gold paint it like too thin.

it looks liek a honey jar from winnie the pooh. maybe i've been playing too much kingdom hearts :D

(ignore my foot in the corner of the picture)


I might as well talk about my goals. lets see:

i kept my room clean.

i worked out. not exactly everyday, but amazingly constant.

played kingdom hearts :P and actually won the game

i sorta made art and crafted. sorta. because i threw out or painted over most of what i did. but at least i could experiment

and i didn't paint my room

but overall

SUCCESS

-rafa

♥

i need to freaking finish that story for her.
-rafa

meditation with my wand *or chopstick* D:

omg. i just meditated with a wand like object (a fancy wooden chopstick that was laying around in my room). usually i don't even do breathing exercises i just meditate toward God and stuff. but using a wand is much easier! i can concentrate on that little wooden thing rather than closing my eyes and thinking about alot of things. this time i'm making a REAL wand, one for my meditations. no jokey wand that breaks if it falls to the ground, i want the real thing.

and i definitely want to explore Wicca, and other religions

-rafa

Haha this post goes from fun winter break goals to serious teacher situation

ok so last summer i did some sort of goal list

even tho there's like only 2 weeks left of winter vacation, my goals are :

!)keep my room clean, because it will obviously get messy again during school, so i better keep it clean while i can

@) work out. everyday. its not like I'm fat or anything i just want to be healthy and not be a potato.

#)play kingdom hearts :P my PlayStation got broken so I'm going to ask my cousins for theirs. but i will play...damn it

4)make art and craft :D even tho crafting does sound lame I'm getting into these harry potter crafts :P making WANDS how cool is that?

5) Paint my room! it needs a new color. im thinking white :P and also giving it soem sort of a makeover

6) oh and reflect on weather or not i should leave my school. during the end of this semester i was reallyyy un-motivated and i wasn't even studying. the question just came to me (" why am i here???") and i was, and still am, wanting a fresh start.

speaking of the schools, once, this pathetic looking teacher said to me "did you forget to take your Ritalin today Rafa?". i didn't say anything insulting back, because i already felt really sorry for him. you know, the type of hatred for a person that you almost feel sorry for that person.

when he said that, i got really mad, but at the same time i was like "this situation only makes him look like a douche bag, it doesn't damage me. my self esteem is unharmed". i mean, he had no backbone as a teacher, and its really sad that a teacher needed to go to that level to attempt to have some power over one of his students, though he failed miserably. i just thought "if that comment towards me made his life less pathetic, or if it made his penis seem less small, then good for him."

but don't get me wrong, i immediately told my mom about this. she was ready to sue.

-rafa

one of my resolutions(like a sorta/less-importance resolution) this year is to use this blog again.at least I'm gonna try to use it with some consistency

what can i say? life happens and i had things to deal with

but I'm just gonna try...damn it.


sorry for the headache-y colors i put in here btw. i was aiming for fresh start colors
but failed


its 2 am at my place
im restless

and bored.




rafa